Why is it that I always opt for the easy route by choose to stay on the rougher path? I am so tired of trying to figure out certain aspects of my life, yet I continue and continue till I am too mentally exhausted to think of anything else. I keep checking my past journals and I definitely have made changes, progress, differences that I have seen. My mother just keeps telling me how strong I am when half the time I don't really see it. I do think that I have been through a lot in the past few years. Why is it so hard to notice things happening when they are happening right at the moment. I hate the ups and downs of dramatic intervals and stellar complications. There has got to be something better than this. There has to be a reason why I go through such crazy episodes. There has to be a reason that I have
CRAP magnet on my forehead. I know I am feeling sorry for myself right now, it will pass. It just seems that I am missing all the signs, I feel as if I am running into things I can't control. I know that I want things and those things are pretty simple. Normal by my standards. A career/business, family, friends, etc. I have been called so many things in my life, negative and positive, I wonder what's being said now. I wonder what people say about me without knowing whats really happening. What would they say if they knew the whole thing, the whole story? I wonder. I really think that if they knew what was going on the judgement would be placed differently. I refuse to pay into it anymore. I just don't care anymore. I have so many good things in my life to think about. I need to stay strong, I need to forgive. I am not waiting anymore for the apologies that will never come, the miraculous saving to happen, the game that I should win. I am starting to believe that I expect to much from myself and others. Which in a sense can be bitchy, sometimes I can be. I tell myself that it all is just a misunderstanding, they are just having a bad day, there's got to be a reason for why people do this or say that. I think that there is good in all. I want to believe that everyone has a conscience. Some people don't.
Image via Wikipedia
I can't believe that it has almost been a whole other year. I always look back around this time and realize the things that I have learned, failed, accomplished, tried, did and want to do. I don't want to keep promising myself things and not fulfilling them . Which is one of the things I hate the most. I hate broken promises and when its myself doing them, I go mad. This time of year I just get happy and refreshed. I love the Fall and Winter. The decorations, songs, clothes, and just general cheer and happiness. Maybe not from everyone but at least enough to make me happy. As i look out my window with the chrismas station on pandora I just think of things. The people that are in my life, my goals, dreams, wishes. Knowing that a thousand other people might be doing the same exact thing. Maybe there is someone who is thinking about how much the hate this time of year. pisshhh! haha Okay well maybe that was a little much. I finally started writing again. Its back. I am getting my artistic life back, weird sounding I know. My fire was just burnt out for a while. Feeling down and out, and then I started to get better and better. I can say I am painting, writing, singing, drawing and next step baking. I'm gonna be okay. I just had to be the one to tell myself that.
