the stress bucket of fun

Image by Eyesplash via FlickrWow, I havent been on here in a hot miniute. I semi miss my blog of nonsense. Since I started this new job I have been super busy with studying and preparing to go out in the field that my mind has started frying. not only is my art being put on hold for a moment but I think my cat might bite my jugular in my sleep. haha Its still nice to have something to come home to. More and more I see how my life is changing...not in a bad way actually in a very good way. I am so happy that the Mother is guiding me into a world anew and giving me challenges. Now don't get me wrong I am a little freaked out at the moment hoping that I dont screw anything up, but I am still driving home smiling and proud of myself everyday for not quiting. I just keep saying to myself...you can do this....you got this...you know that you wil succeed. Tomorrow is my video presentation and this weekend I will do some of my partaking observations, then doing my presentations in front of my trainer then I am out in the feild. Good gracious. Again..I got this I got this.
I also am noticing that the fact that the guy I thought was perfect was just another ass that I need not to deal with. Do I still have feelings for him? Of course I really wanted to be with this guy, but I am realizing that I can do better and I will wait for someone that deserves me. Anywho I will leave off with this:
Don't be with a person if you pine for someone else. Don't say you love someone and lust after another. Speak the truth and be happy, things happen for a reason but fate can only bring you so far, once you get there it is up to you to push for your destiny.

if you venture through it 

you would discover more

than meets the eye with me.

some may call me vain even 

concieted, when it is the 

facade that needs to be lifted.

a vail, shield, wall.

I want to break my wall down! 

Confusion and complication

So after about the fourth night of having my nightmares I am officially done. Not that I can tell myself, "Hey you, stop having nightmares!" well maybe I could. After having such an enormous amazing birthday month, I don't understand why my anxiety attacks are coming full force now for the past week, which in turn are what cause my nightmares. 

I know that last week something I did, I cant stop thinking about. To the point of making my head spin. Well actually there is a lot going in my life at the moment making my head spin. Its quite scary to think that for the most part I am enjoying everything that is going on. On some positive notes, my writing is flowing more, I can't stop typing, I am killing photoshop, and getting things settled and straight. Blah blah blah!!

So why the hell am I still waking up in the middle of the night screaming or crying? I know that I should pay attention to what they are, for it usually means something that I should pay attention to. Now I dont know about you but when I have nightmares and wake up screaming the last thing on my mind is a pen and paper to write down what I remember from it. 

So I need to sit back and organize my thoughts, actions, wants, needs. Not necessarily in that order. I figure that if I do this at the beginning of each month I can stay on top of the things that I need to stay on top of. 

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Secret affairs and matters of the hear

Do you ever feel as if you are just waitingImage by Funky64 (www.lucarossato.com)  
, waiting for an answer, a solution, an absolution. Sometimes I feel as if I wait and worry constantly about so many things. Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw so many faces, and shapes that you just keep staring to keep your self entertained? Sometimes I can just stare into the mirror and watch myself change and adapt to my mind. Sounds weird but I am willing to bet most of you have done it. It happens mostly when we are at our weakest point or highest point. At our extremes. 

I am reading a book, "The Artist's Way", and it is excellent. It is a book full of ways to get back to your inner most creative self. Doing exercises and tasks that help bring out the things that have been blocking ones creative capability. It is a great read, and I actually started writing again. Its great to be doing things again. Starting back up with dance, starting the company, starting writing and starting a whole new life of adventures. I have to keep my head up and move forward. 

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Confessions of the Broken heart, who fell for the beautiful mind

Image via WikipediaSo I have decided to take a break. Take a break from reality maybe. I have postponed the wedding and have decided that I wasn't ready. I needed to have some time to sit back and work things out in my life. There are also things that he needed to work on and that is why we are taking this time to work things out. I have been through some tough things in my life but nothing compares to this. How do you try and help someone you love. Someone that you care about so so much and don't want any harm coming to that person. Yet, they don't know they need help or to work things out in their lives. The man that has loved me the most and still loves me the most needs to learn to accept and love himself. It feels as if my heart is being torn in two. It feels like my soul has been separated. Can a man go crazy from loving someone so much? I feel that he started to have a breakdown the closer and closer we were getting to the wedding. Now he is up north getting the information to which he needs. I am down here the furthest away from my heart, trying to carry on. I am moving to a new place, starting a company, trying to stay busy and exercise. Yet, ever night before I close my eyes, all I see is him. All I dream about is him. Everyone tries to tell me their ways to get over someone, or how to forget and move on. i don't want to forget him. I love him. More than any one I have ever been with. Not for all the stories, and the things that he said to impress me. It was the man that he was when we were together. No one else just us. The man that would watch movies with me or walk on the beach and just be. When we were away from everything. But life isn't a fairy tail, everything happens for a reason, but you have to fight sometimes to figure out what those reasons are. No one can tell you to stop loving someone or how to live your life. You friends and family can only guide you the best they know how. We all can give each other advice and take what we can from it. It has been a while since I have written, but I just couldn't get myself to open up my blogger and talk about this yet. Starting today I will just keep at it. Remember we are all in this together, I must keep reminding myself.

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