Life can play out funny and unexpected sometimes. We never know what will be handed to us or what will come up. sometimes it is something that is taken away without warning. Lately I have been trying to figure out why I have been handed the cards of blah. Things are going so well minus the dating department. So some jerk broke my heart, stole my money and cheated on me. Then I cool it for a while and meet yet another amazing person and begin to show feelings towards him. Things were going well and then without warning he disappeared into oblivion and now avoids me like the plauge. Ok. Then I start meeting these guys (not a lot) and going on dates only to find out that I must have personal escort written on my forhead. No!! Just because I am saying yes to going on a date with you does not mean that I will hop in the sack. Left and right I am just getting more and more disappointed in the the men around here. While my friends just get luckier and luckier. not that I mind, I am very happy that my friends keep getting great things in their lives. Babies, weddings, engagements, boyfriends...etc. I am becoming more and more the third, sometimes fifth wheel. I go through these stages of acceptance...well Im happy being single...then it will be well I feel kinda lonely today. Back and forth like a bloody tennis match. for example I had a date with a guy today, he asked em to go to lunch with him at a pretty nice restaruant and right before I was about to leave he asked what I was doing afterwards. I told him I had to get back to get some work done. He then told me he want to "hang out" with me after wards and again I told him I couldn't. Now we didnt even get to lunch yet and this guy just assumes that we would hit it off enough to continue the date. When I told him I couldnt he then sent me a text..a text! telling me that he is going to have to pass on lunch. rEally? because I wont sleep with you on the first date you wont even take me on a first date. looser! But still after having something happen like this and then hearing stories of how wonderful my friends dates, boyfriends etc are I just get a little upset. understandably so. Still I can not loose hope or faith right?

I sometimes think that I am dreaming

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I know I believe that everything happens for a reason but sometimes I wish that I could freeze moments. I am doing really well with most of the things in my life right now. I am officially an editor, I still get to do my art work, I still get to do freelance. I am so happy about this. I also have been given a gift...one that I can't metion till Monday but I can say that it has made me very very happy. I also have been dancing more and more, going out and even dancing by myself. I love it. I am dating and happy to be single with minor thoughts here and there. I was in mjqs Wednesday and all I could think of for some reason was him, my birthday and the thought of kissing him. I don't know why, I know that it has passed and I am obviously not what he wants but I still can't get him out my mind. It's not all the time just at random moments and always at the wrong tim

I can't deny that things are good, I am dancing again, not just in the clubs but everywhere. I am smiling for no reason but because I am happy. I have come a long way some might not see it or might not know. It is hard to see through the metal walls that I have up. It is very true that a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. I know the man that actually wants to know them will be the one worth my time. I also have way more confidence than I ever thought I could have. I mean if you were to see me in high school compared to now it would be a big difference. I was shy, quiet and only my friends knew the "me" that was screaming to get out. I don't regret very much that I have done, said or had done to me. I have learned a lot from my mistakes, heart ache, shame, sadnes, happiness, etc.

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Confessions of the Broken heart, who fell for the beautiful mind

Image via WikipediaSo I have decided to take a break. Take a break from reality maybe. I have postponed the wedding and have decided that I wasn't ready. I needed to have some time to sit back and work things out in my life. There are also things that he needed to work on and that is why we are taking this time to work things out. I have been through some tough things in my life but nothing compares to this. How do you try and help someone you love. Someone that you care about so so much and don't want any harm coming to that person. Yet, they don't know they need help or to work things out in their lives. The man that has loved me the most and still loves me the most needs to learn to accept and love himself. It feels as if my heart is being torn in two. It feels like my soul has been separated. Can a man go crazy from loving someone so much? I feel that he started to have a breakdown the closer and closer we were getting to the wedding. Now he is up north getting the information to which he needs. I am down here the furthest away from my heart, trying to carry on. I am moving to a new place, starting a company, trying to stay busy and exercise. Yet, ever night before I close my eyes, all I see is him. All I dream about is him. Everyone tries to tell me their ways to get over someone, or how to forget and move on. i don't want to forget him. I love him. More than any one I have ever been with. Not for all the stories, and the things that he said to impress me. It was the man that he was when we were together. No one else just us. The man that would watch movies with me or walk on the beach and just be. When we were away from everything. But life isn't a fairy tail, everything happens for a reason, but you have to fight sometimes to figure out what those reasons are. No one can tell you to stop loving someone or how to live your life. You friends and family can only guide you the best they know how. We all can give each other advice and take what we can from it. It has been a while since I have written, but I just couldn't get myself to open up my blogger and talk about this yet. Starting today I will just keep at it. Remember we are all in this together, I must keep reminding myself.

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Sacrifices and marrige

Image by NapaneeGal via Flickr

Image by Andrea Costa Photography via Flickr

So things keep getting more and more trying. I currently am in the middle of a dilemma, in order to save my relationship and marriage we are thinking about moving to Florida.  We know that we can build a life there together, we know that it will be a new life for us, and we both know that this is what it will take to save our hearts and relationship. The bad part you may ask............? I am having to sacrifice my dreams and goals. Or more likely, putting them on hold. As well as saying goodbye to my friends and life that I have worked very hard to achieve. I fear that if I do this my marriage will be saved but what about my self. I have been thinking about things that could work where I can do both jobs and make both work. I fear being put into a cage, no adventure, no life, or  worse dullness. 

But then I look at him, I realize how much I love him, all that he is. He really is an amazing man, he just hides under this scared little boy. I wonder if all men go through this. If all women go through what I am experiencing. He doesn't realize how much I love him for him. That he is a wonderful man and person. 

I am at a major passing in my life right now I have to choose which way to go. There is no scarecrow to help me along the way, no Tin man to hold my hand, and no Lion to protect. ::laughs:: Although I do feel as if the Wizard of Oz is somewhat of fate making me find and get the witch's broom. Maybe this is something that will give me time to focus on my book, blogs, self, and other things. I will try to stay positive and I will blog about the trials as usual.

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Lessons in relationships

The past few days have been some of the most important days and moment of my life. I had some pre wedding jitters I guess you could call them. I want things to go more my way thinking that if I pressure and control that they will all work out. But case is no. We have to learn how to compromise, sacrifice, love, forgive and move forward. We BOTH need to sacrifice and right now I have to make the decision to sacrifice things just as much as him. The same goes for him.   I thought that we ended things today, I thought that I was losing the man I love so much that bullets would not stop me from loving him. I was staying at my best friend's house the past few days and had done some serious soul searching. I started today with being single again to fighting for the very thing that I was running from fear, love, and stubbornness. Now I am not saying that he doesn't have to do the same, but if it means that I have to give up certain things, or do certain things to save this marriage I will. On one condition..... he has to sacrifice, change and do things that he didn't think he could do. he has to help me save this as well! 

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