Babblings of a happy girl

Yes, it has been a ridiculously long time since I have been on here. My life has been a constant up and down lately, but as always I keep a positive outlook even on the days I want to just sit alone and cry. It has now been 11 months that I am single. where most would say this is a sad thing I am actually pretty happy about it at the moment.I know that when the time is right I will find the man that is right for me. I am not looking nor am I sitting around and waiting. I am living and intending on living my way for a long time. I am working on my art, life, happiness, making money, dancing and everything else that makes me smile. I don't have to answer to anyone and I dont have to worry about calling, texting, making sure I tell someone where I am or going or wondering the same for them. It isnt that I want to become asexual or anything. I am just lvoing my apartment and the fact that it is mine.......I am loving my life and the fact that it is my own.......and the awesome fact that If I want to be a goof ball I can. I can be myself.
I am working on my bucket list more and more. I am trying to get some Katana lessons and also working on setting up classes with my partner to teach our dance to. I am also very excited because this year will be the first year I will be attending Dragoncon!!! I cant wait. I already got one of my costumes in the mail and can't wait to put it on!!!
 Thousands upon thousands of people that are dorks ust like me!!! I cant believe how awesome this will be. Any who.... I am also dancing again which is making me happier, tomorrow finally going to one of my favorite dive places...MJQ's. Ok now I feel I am really rambling when all I wanted to do was update my working journal of sorts. ah well.
I hope everyone has a beautiful night and a wonderful morning! Peace, Love and Happiness!

 

Rant

So these past few days have been quite the interesting ones. I got a Job...yes me a semi professional job that does not involve art. I can't believe it myself. I will be an insurance agent. I am actually kind of excited (and nervou) about this and it seems that only a couple of people are supportive about it. It is funny how people have been nagging on me about having a "real" job and when I finally decided to get one I get knocked for the type that I get..hey Im not picky and maybe this will work out maybe it wont. I am still proud of myself. Is that wrong? NO!! so why is it so dis-heartining to hear such negative comments? I guess that this month has just been a series of negative things that I have entered into myself;

• Ex came to town
• Ex is married
• My Best Friend has been kidnapped from her boyfriend (Not negative, but I feel like I haven't seen her in forever by ourselves. *
• My dad saying some negative things 
• A guy in H&M telling me I am fat
• Losing my necklace
• just feeling poopy 

Now all of these things aren't life threatening nor am I saying that my issues are more important than otehrs. Just saying that I have felt poopy all month and I am getting done with the little things helping the mood out. I am still hopeful of the future, hoping that this job will help me gain what I need to move onward and upward. This isnt the final adventure for Becca, this is a start to a new and exciting change. 

* So I don't know why I feel as if I am having withdrawls from my best friend. Maybe I am mad because she hasn't mentioned working on our show since they started dating, maybe we haven't gone out and danced in a while. All these things that we said we do together we arent doing ..... biggest being our show that we were working on! well lets hope see feels better tongiht and can come over, I'll talk to her and hopefully things will work out. 

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The Sunshine through my window

So I wrote my BF (yes adults still have best friends) Yesterday and talked to her about my funk that I have been in. I had to post the email...it made me feel so much better..plus she came over last night and chilled and met the kitty. I awoke this morning feeling so much better. :-) Thanks Girl!!

the Idea of a soul mate

Its funny to think of how things change, progress, develop. Take for example the fact that I was going to get married, me...yes as much as I want to find that someone that compliments me woop woop, I also came to the acceptance that I might not get married. I really didn't expect a man to "get" me. I was a bit out of sorts yesterday because it marked the one month point. Then as if by awesome powers at be, the bestest friend called. We had decided the day before that we would be each others V day dates. So we decided to go all dressed up to a diner, have a ridiculous meal for two, drink and celebrate our lives and this new year. Our year! Now back to the soul make comment. I believe that we all have soul mates, yes I really do and not just one. My cat for example, call me crazy but this little bugger is one of them, he is like my Spirit guide of sorts. Then there is the best friend. When I met Askia we both knew right away that we had met our friend match and that we would be friends for a very long time. I have come to realize this past year how much it really means. At first we did some sessions and this girl got things out of me that I had buried deep within, she got me to open up and be myself with no regrets, no hatred towards myself. At times yes I might need to tighten the reigns on myself for the shear fact that I can be a bit overpowering. So last night we talked about things of past and things of future. We find it a bit ironic that the both of us were in serious relationships and at the same time found out how ridiculous these men were and that we weren't happy. We both helped each other through the break ups and through the "I want to kill myself with the....death by sugar approach!" but in the end we both made it out just fine.
Now the two of us have decided to accomplish our bucket list together. We want the so many of the same things out of life and we both have finally found someone to share it with..and who will also push us to do them.

Dancers love poem

What if I told you I thought about you?
What if I told you I was scared?
What if I told you I dream about you?
What if I was completely un-prepared?

I never expected this and I am not sure I can.
The way your arms fit around me.
Makes me feel safe and you that man.
The way you look into my eyes, and
fixate through my being. It makes me
crazy to think you know what I am
thinking.

When our lips met and the feelings rushed through me
I swear you could feel it too.
The room stopped moving and the world stood still,
Giving us our moment to be free and just us two.

I wanted to stop there and enjoy it, not changing a thing.
I couldn't believe what was happening, then reality stepped in.
That old familiar feeling of fear swept through me.
Not knowing what to do or what to say,
I just kept going and you did the same.

You were kind and slow, every chance we had.
The kisses got deeper and more intense.
Your arms tighter and direct.
You knew when to let go and you knew when to grab.
And we danced the night away, together, harmoniously.

Later intertwined together, loosing ourselves to time,
Loosing ourselves to each other.
I had the feeling of you being mine,
And instant of want and bliss.
I didn't know I would miss.

Now I'm torn, scared and lost.
I'm confused and trembling.
One word, one phrase would save me.
I would hear those words at any cost.
Should I stay and dream, or should I just hold our dance in memory.

Why is Sorry the hardest thing to say........for most people

Why is it that I always opt for the easy route by choose to stay on the rougher path? I am so tired of trying to figure out certain aspects of my life, yet I continue and continue till I am too mentally exhausted to think of anything else. I keep checking my past journals and I definitely have made changes, progress, differences that I have seen. My mother just keeps telling me how strong I am when half the time I don't really see it. I do think that I have been through a lot in the past few years. Why is it so hard to notice things happening when they are happening right at the moment. I hate the ups and downs of dramatic intervals and stellar complications. There has got to be something better than this. There has to be a reason why I go through such crazy episodes. There has to be a reason that I have CRAP magnet on my forehead. I know I am feeling sorry for myself right now, it will pass. It just seems that I am missing all the signs, I feel as if I am running into things I can't control. I know that I want things and those things are pretty simple. Normal by my standards. A career/business, family, friends, etc.  I have been called so many things in my life, negative and positive, I wonder what's being said now. I wonder what people say about me without knowing whats really happening. What would they say if they knew the whole thing, the whole story? I wonder. I really think that if they knew what was going on the judgement would be placed differently. I refuse to pay into it anymore. I just don't care anymore. I have so many good things in my life to think about. I need to stay strong, I need to forgive. I am not waiting anymore for the apologies that will never come, the miraculous saving to happen, the game that I should win. I am starting to believe that I expect to much from myself and others. Which in a sense can be bitchy, sometimes I can be. I tell myself that it all is just a misunderstanding, they are just having a bad day, there's got to be a reason for why people do this or say that. I think that there is good in all. I want to believe that everyone has a conscience. Some people don't. 

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An ultimate cheesy entry, right down to 80's easy cheese...cheesy

I was always told to make lists. My mother always told me to make lists for school and organizing things. My friends always told me to make lists for when I was guys, and there's always my lists...lists of things going on in my life. It shows me things that I need to change, work on, add, do...etc. I think everyone at some point should make a life list, significant other list or just a general one. I said this would be cheesy. So I thought I would make a list.
You know you grow up thinking that your life will turn out a certain way, be a certain person, and have everything figured out. But it doesn't work that way, although I do believe that everything happens for a reason, life happens the way it is supposed to.  Sometime it seems as if Mr. Murphy sits up on a cloud and beams his law down on you. These past couple of months have been some of the craziest months in a while. I liked to think that it made me even stronger than I thought I was before.
Things are going well on the homestead. I am moving into a city style apartment, it reminds me of Ny apartments. I like them a lot. Stephen and are doing very well. he started working. He also is back to the man that I fell in love with. I still have not completely forgiven him for some things but he is trying and that's the part that I like. We go on dates, he pays attention to me, he is making me laugh again. I truly missed that. I loved his humor and laugh. There are going to be hard times ahead and great rewards. I know that I love him, I know that my plans will work out. I am trying to be as positive as one can be. Love is a crazy wonderful thing. it makes you mad, silly, happy, sad and all of the emotions one person can have. 

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