the stress bucket of fun

Image by Eyesplash via FlickrWow, I havent been on here in a hot miniute. I semi miss my blog of nonsense. Since I started this new job I have been super busy with studying and preparing to go out in the field that my mind has started frying. not only is my art being put on hold for a moment but I think my cat might bite my jugular in my sleep. haha Its still nice to have something to come home to. More and more I see how my life is changing...not in a bad way actually in a very good way. I am so happy that the Mother is guiding me into a world anew and giving me challenges. Now don't get me wrong I am a little freaked out at the moment hoping that I dont screw anything up, but I am still driving home smiling and proud of myself everyday for not quiting. I just keep saying to myself...you can do this....you got this...you know that you wil succeed. Tomorrow is my video presentation and this weekend I will do some of my partaking observations, then doing my presentations in front of my trainer then I am out in the feild. Good gracious. Again..I got this I got this.
I also am noticing that the fact that the guy I thought was perfect was just another ass that I need not to deal with. Do I still have feelings for him? Of course I really wanted to be with this guy, but I am realizing that I can do better and I will wait for someone that deserves me. Anywho I will leave off with this:
Don't be with a person if you pine for someone else. Don't say you love someone and lust after another. Speak the truth and be happy, things happen for a reason but fate can only bring you so far, once you get there it is up to you to push for your destiny.

Rant

So these past few days have been quite the interesting ones. I got a Job...yes me a semi professional job that does not involve art. I can't believe it myself. I will be an insurance agent. I am actually kind of excited (and nervou) about this and it seems that only a couple of people are supportive about it. It is funny how people have been nagging on me about having a "real" job and when I finally decided to get one I get knocked for the type that I get..hey Im not picky and maybe this will work out maybe it wont. I am still proud of myself. Is that wrong? NO!! so why is it so dis-heartining to hear such negative comments? I guess that this month has just been a series of negative things that I have entered into myself;

• Ex came to town
• Ex is married
• My Best Friend has been kidnapped from her boyfriend (Not negative, but I feel like I haven't seen her in forever by ourselves. *
• My dad saying some negative things 
• A guy in H&M telling me I am fat
• Losing my necklace
• just feeling poopy 

Now all of these things aren't life threatening nor am I saying that my issues are more important than otehrs. Just saying that I have felt poopy all month and I am getting done with the little things helping the mood out. I am still hopeful of the future, hoping that this job will help me gain what I need to move onward and upward. This isnt the final adventure for Becca, this is a start to a new and exciting change. 

* So I don't know why I feel as if I am having withdrawls from my best friend. Maybe I am mad because she hasn't mentioned working on our show since they started dating, maybe we haven't gone out and danced in a while. All these things that we said we do together we arent doing ..... biggest being our show that we were working on! well lets hope see feels better tongiht and can come over, I'll talk to her and hopefully things will work out. 

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I am happy again

It takes a lot of courage to step out your door and even more courage to take that first step. Right now I feel as if I am taking giant leaps into the world! I have been in such a good mood and even though I know that things can't always be in the sunny side up of life I am not worrying about the bad days or sad days that I will encounter. IT is weird for me to think that I have been single, happy, busy, and moving forward towards things that I want in and out of life. It may take a while or I may hit snags but Im here. I actually look in the mirror and like what I see...no love what I see. I can run two miles now and walk 10. I have a wonderful apartment and a even more wonderful cat. A wonderful family and fantastic friends. This is the stuff that you see in a movie when things are looking up.  also was thinking about the fact that I have been single now for a full eight months and I actually am happy about this. I know that I will one day find the man of my dreams but I am having a good time living in my own place, doing the things I want and not have to worry about the stress a relatioship can put on me. no I am not giving up on love, love is all around me. My friends have a great mariage and have now asked me to be the godmother of their future child...I cant begin to tell how happy this makes me. My "sister" and her husband are amazing together, my parents, and several other people that make me believe that I will one day have someone to share my heart with. Until then I am going to keep on with me.

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What I wouldn't do

So in seven days Askia and I are heading down to my stomping grounds. I can't wait, I can't wait to feel the sand on my feet and water on my toes. The warm sun and good times that will be had. Started working for Alliance and I am so happy, as sad as it may sound to some, I have been wanting to work for my father for the longest time. Maybe its the "Jewish" girl in me, because for some reason the mass majority of daughters work for their fathers. It's small but its something that is very important to me. I also have several other things in the works. They are getting closer and closer to becoming a reality and some will be as soon as I get back from the FL. I wonder if we all go through things like this, finding ourselves, some of us taking longer than others, yet still finding out what we really want and what really makes us happy. Yes, sometimes I still get sad, sometimes I cry, I mean hell I never thought I would be here. I thought that I was going to be married and on my way to wifedom...real glad I am not, but still it wasn't the fact that I ended things, and by no means do I want him back. It is more of the fact that none of these things would have happened to me. Or maybe they would have but much later in my life. I am happy, and I think that it is the time of my life to where I realize what I want and need out of my life and myself. The difference btwn want and need.

I wont because Journey told me not to

What is it with Valentines day and the surrounding days that make us singletons feel worse than ever. Now Im not saying its a horrible holiday or anything but it puts a lot of added attention to the fact that we will subject ourselves to the massive amounts of couples publicly professing their love for one another. Again, not a bad thing but when you are a single woman living with a cat, it kinda sucks. Not that being single living with a crazy cat sucks, its more of the matter, that you are titled cat lady. ::Giggles:: I am actually staring to think that my dream guy might not actually exist, or he's gay. 

Well I guess that is why they are called dream spouses, I mean who the hell am I to say what is perfect or not. I know what I want out of a guy or from a guy. I think I am just a bit intimidating when it comes right down to it. I think that it is hard for some to see this wild and crazy woman and say yeah, I could be with her. No! I'm not saying this in a bad way, I am very happy with who I am. Wow, go figure, finally admitted that I am happy with me. I want a guy that thinks I am just as beautiful in a dress and heels as well as in my Transformers pj's. Yes, I have Autobot pajama pants and I love them. A guy that can cuddle all night and wake up in the morning and not want to get up because it will ruin the moment. Someone who enjoys doing things with me even if it is silly. Yes, I go to the Zoo and Aquarium and I am just as excited as the three year old next to me. Knows what a date is and no that doesn't just mean take me to dinner, a date means actually coming up with something creative. Can handle me at when I dance, and would be an added bonus if he could to. Has to accept the fact that I go to Ren Faire and yes  know the difference between, Daggers, swords, rapiers, broad etc. Can handle the fact that I play video games, have a cat, love pirates, drive a muscle car and could pretty much live my life as a musical. So I short someone like me or who can accept me for who I am. Not entirely sure why this turned into a vision board of what I want in a mate, but hey why not. Im sure there are more realistic ideas, like he has to have a job, or being able to be exclusive. But, hey I think those are pretty much implied. 

I know that things happen for a reason and that fate can only bring you so far until you have to get the rest. I still believe that there is someone out there for me, maybe two. My mom told me that I have to kiss a lot of frogs to get my prince. The last one was kind of a toad, but hey, who cares. Im not sweating what happened. I learned a lot from it. I'm not going to waste my time on someone that has no love for me, or has no want to be with me. why should I waste my heart on someone who doesn't deserve it. 

 This man ^^^^ He gets my heart!1 hehe How can you not love a face like this? :-)

Why is Sorry the hardest thing to say........for most people

Why is it that I always opt for the easy route by choose to stay on the rougher path? I am so tired of trying to figure out certain aspects of my life, yet I continue and continue till I am too mentally exhausted to think of anything else. I keep checking my past journals and I definitely have made changes, progress, differences that I have seen. My mother just keeps telling me how strong I am when half the time I don't really see it. I do think that I have been through a lot in the past few years. Why is it so hard to notice things happening when they are happening right at the moment. I hate the ups and downs of dramatic intervals and stellar complications. There has got to be something better than this. There has to be a reason why I go through such crazy episodes. There has to be a reason that I have CRAP magnet on my forehead. I know I am feeling sorry for myself right now, it will pass. It just seems that I am missing all the signs, I feel as if I am running into things I can't control. I know that I want things and those things are pretty simple. Normal by my standards. A career/business, family, friends, etc.  I have been called so many things in my life, negative and positive, I wonder what's being said now. I wonder what people say about me without knowing whats really happening. What would they say if they knew the whole thing, the whole story? I wonder. I really think that if they knew what was going on the judgement would be placed differently. I refuse to pay into it anymore. I just don't care anymore. I have so many good things in my life to think about. I need to stay strong, I need to forgive. I am not waiting anymore for the apologies that will never come, the miraculous saving to happen, the game that I should win. I am starting to believe that I expect to much from myself and others. Which in a sense can be bitchy, sometimes I can be. I tell myself that it all is just a misunderstanding, they are just having a bad day, there's got to be a reason for why people do this or say that. I think that there is good in all. I want to believe that everyone has a conscience. Some people don't. 

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