Babblings of a happy girl

Yes, it has been a ridiculously long time since I have been on here. My life has been a constant up and down lately, but as always I keep a positive outlook even on the days I want to just sit alone and cry. It has now been 11 months that I am single. where most would say this is a sad thing I am actually pretty happy about it at the moment.I know that when the time is right I will find the man that is right for me. I am not looking nor am I sitting around and waiting. I am living and intending on living my way for a long time. I am working on my art, life, happiness, making money, dancing and everything else that makes me smile. I don't have to answer to anyone and I dont have to worry about calling, texting, making sure I tell someone where I am or going or wondering the same for them. It isnt that I want to become asexual or anything. I am just lvoing my apartment and the fact that it is mine.......I am loving my life and the fact that it is my own.......and the awesome fact that If I want to be a goof ball I can. I can be myself.
I am working on my bucket list more and more. I am trying to get some Katana lessons and also working on setting up classes with my partner to teach our dance to. I am also very excited because this year will be the first year I will be attending Dragoncon!!! I cant wait. I already got one of my costumes in the mail and can't wait to put it on!!!
 Thousands upon thousands of people that are dorks ust like me!!! I cant believe how awesome this will be. Any who.... I am also dancing again which is making me happier, tomorrow finally going to one of my favorite dive places...MJQ's. Ok now I feel I am really rambling when all I wanted to do was update my working journal of sorts. ah well.
I hope everyone has a beautiful night and a wonderful morning! Peace, Love and Happiness!

 

This weather leaves for nothing else

You came and left, leaving me standing at the door.
I watched you walk away from my window...holding my hand on the glass.
I smiled and cried at the same time. I didn't tell you how I felt because you don't care.
I know this and sat on the floor, noticing your shirt.
I took your shirt up, taking in all I could of you.
Curled up on my bed with it and drifted in to a dream about you.
I wonder if this is time to forget you or if I should just enjoy the few precious moments that life has given me.
Maybe there is someone better, more deserving, maybe thats who I should be with, but then why do you always show up?

Romeo and Depressing

Image via WikipediaI know it may be a bit cliche but I will always love the story of Romeo and Juliet. I know now that my boo hooing this past few days is all due to the lovely little frienmy that we get once a month. being that I dont take anit depressants, this time of the month is a bit shaky for me. I hate the feeling of being depressed for no reason and then because of that I choose something to be depressed about so that I can say I am upset at something and not nothing. So I have been choosing the heart ache that lives beneath my chest. Raging against myself, others and love.  Not being able to get anything done, not wanting to get anything done. I just walked to the park, sat, fed some ducks and just stared into the gloomy waters and went deep in thought. I would be a little dishonest if I didn't say that part of this was brought on by the fact I saw and heard some news today that just upset me. I feel that my dreams are so close yet so far, that because of others they are creeping slower and slower. Then this morning I saw a confirmation on a situation that I have been ignoring for quite sometime. The one that I have like for so long likes another making me realize that I was used and that was all I was meant for to him. I know that my sadness on this is mostly because my lovely little pms, for yesterday I was proudly annoucing that I had finally deleted his number as not to be tempted to call or text him. wah wah wah! Anyway, I must look positively at this, everything happens for a reason. maybe im not ready to like someone that much or be in a relationship. maybe all this jazz I talk about in being single and loving it and being my own person, (and somewhat selfish). maybe this is just showing me that I do really want what I talk about. then there is romeo and juliet. two teenagers that shakespear wrote to show us the innocence of love. some forget that it was to show beauty and love, something that was very rare in his time...well just rare in general. I love all forms of this story including the modern form with good ole dicaprio. yet everytime I read the story or see one of the movies I always wonder what would happen if they didnt die. would they have run off together? would they have tried to show their families that they loved eachother? its all so sad to think that they will never get their happy ending.

The cards are on the table

Image via WikipediaI had an amazing weekend and finally got things out in the open. What you might ask could be so exhilarating that I have to write about? Well lets start at the beginning and summarize to the end. Every year around Valentines day we have the Annual Anti-V-Day Slumber party. This years was amazing. We decided that we would host a non Co-ed one this year and decked out Askia's place with hearts, candy, booze, toys, and other odds and ends. We dress up, dress down, dance, sing, play games, just have good old fashion girl fun. I have now realized that the bonds that I have made with my friends are so meaningful and I know that now I have people that will get my back no matter what. It is an amazing feeling to know that there are people out there that love me. After the slumber party we all hung out Saturday. Took a afternoon drive, laughing and being silly girls. coming back to the apartment, cooking a major brunch and eating glutinous amounts of food. I came home to my little guy waiting excitedly for me by the door as I opened it. spent some time cuddling with him, took a shower and sat down to watch a movie. I finally decided that I really wanted to go out. Called Askia to see what they were up to. We made plans to go out dancing. Yes! To one of the silliest places to go but still a good time. It is amazing to me how much I love to dance, the feeling I get when I just do it for me, for fun. I go out there and not think of anything just about the awesome high I get from moving my body around and bouncing around a dance floor. I don't even notice anyone else. I think I think I may have found something else that makes me feel like that too. I can't explain why and I don't know how to say this without jinxing myself. It makes me nervous even talking about it, but its hard to keep it inside of me. I feel like I am going to burst from the excitement of it all. Yes, for those that are following this so far it brings us into Sunday. I went up to Askia's to do some special effects makeup for a friend, then after six hours the project turned out amazing, I took some pictures and headed back home. I really wanted to get out of the house and got invited out to a bar. (yes, I am being vague for a reason) This ended up being something out of the blue but such a good thing for me. I ended up saying what I have been wanting to say to someone for the longest time. Only to find out that it was reciprocated. I feel great, I feel high, and scared at the same time. I talked to the bestie about it to which she was so happy for me, and told me to let it marinate, chill and flow. The cards are on the table and now I have to be patient. Um, thats the worst thing to say to me. hehe She knows how hard it is for me to be patient. I want to run up throw my arms around this person and say, here I am! With a butterfly stomach smile.

Day 1 of the Month

Image via Wikipedia

So day five of nightmares. I am getting pretty tired of not having a good nights rest. I don't understand why they are coming at me like this. I haven't had a strand of these in a long time. At least my anxiety levels are gone at the moment so maybe tonight wont be so freaking bad. My neighbors must think I am a nut house. hahaha Gracious my poor cat could use a good nights sleep, I think I made him crazier than he already was. Despite the nightmare funk things are still looking good for me. I just the okay to design a Catalogue/Magazine for the Motor Coach company. Yeah! Still on for the High top design, and been knocking out my photos. Now to only catch up with my crafty Etsy stuff. Busy week for me! :-)

Dracula's lover

Image via WikipediaTime doesn't stop love and time most certainly doesn't stop desires. it just hinders and enables our procrastination of doing what we really want to do. We ignore time, we harbor it. I have only come to this assumption recently because its what I have been doing. I have been waisting time, either by being in certain relationships, anxiety, laziness and all sorts of other prohibiting occurrences. I keep saying I am going to do things and I never pull through. I need to stop this. The biggest one is writing.  I started this blog to practice writing, I have always had a journal. I need to stop allowing things to come in the way of what I want. I have left my notes open on my laptop so that every time I sit at my computer it stares me in the face. Surprisingly it has been working. So today I decided that I will devote allotted times for everything that needs to get done. Starting the morning off with blogging and laundry, followed by book writing and organizing, then I will look for some part time positions, read, art work.....etc. Also handling my things and appointments outside of the electronic world. So i bet you are wondering about the tittle. Well I recently (and finally) watched Bram strokers Dracula, love it! True love and time and all the things that go along with what I am dealing with at the moment. At this moment as it is with all moments.

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Happy Holidays

Image via Wikipedia I can't believe that it has almost been a whole other year. I always look back around this time and realize the things that I have learned, failed, accomplished, tried, did and want to do. I don't want to keep promising myself things and not fulfilling them . Which is one of the things I hate the most. I hate broken promises and when its myself doing them, I go mad. This time of year I just get happy and refreshed. I love the Fall and Winter. The decorations, songs, clothes, and just general cheer and happiness. Maybe not from everyone but at least enough to make me happy. As i look out my window with the chrismas station on pandora I just think of things. The people that are in my life, my goals, dreams, wishes. Knowing that a thousand other people might be doing the same exact thing. Maybe there is someone who is thinking about how much the hate this time of year. pisshhh! haha Okay well maybe that was a little much. I finally started writing again. Its back. I am getting my artistic life back, weird sounding I know. My fire was just burnt out for a while. Feeling down and out, and then I started to get better and better. I can say I am painting, writing, singing, drawing and next step baking. I'm gonna be okay. I just had to be the one to tell myself that.

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Promises and other things of the day

      I am really tired of broken promises people make to me. Its a bit sad but I really get quite annoyed and a bit heart broken when someone gets my hopes up for something and drops the "I'm sorry" bomb. This past year I ave been promised a lot of things only to be left waiting and feeling small. I finally came to a point where if someone says the word promise, I simply say, "Don't tell me that." Its a bit cynical and a bit bitchy but after hearing it to many times it becomes just a word. A word with no meaning. With the more sad talk out of the way, things were actually really great today. I went to Atlanta Pet Rescue this morning to help out for a couple hours. I love being there. Its so nice to help animals that need love, help and their spirits lifted. There is one dog that I absolutely love. Sage! She is the sweetest thing ever. (Picture on right) I really want this dog to have a good hoe. Hopefully with me, haha! I would love that. I got to be with the dogs today which was a first. I really really enjoyed it! I gave two a bath, walked two, cleaned some cat cages, played with cats and then got to play with the dogs!!! I had so much fun. Not only did it lift the animals' spirits' but it also lifted mine. I go back tomorrow morning to help out some more. I got an email from the apartment complex saying that I might get the place early!!!! That would be fantastic! I can't wait. I have so many things to decorate this place. I get to start from scratch! I am so happy! So moral of this blog......Take the bad and good. Things turn out the way they are supposed to. 

Have a great day!

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The First Fall Entry

      Here we go again. I want some more, what are you waiting for. I feel incredible lately, the weather makes me so much happier. It seems like clockwork every year I make the biggest changes of my life around these few months at the end of the year. I feel it! I am getting an apartment, right in the middle of the busy part of the city, my friend and mine's company has a pre-opening in November at a major fundraiser, and I am slowly realizing that to love someone is to forgive, grow, and accept things. Even loving yourself means doing these things. I have to learn to forgive myself, love myself, and learn that all these things that happen in my life are all part of growing up. I am learning that I am who I am. Some people get me, some don't and some won't ever get me. I can't apologize for the things I do that are me and I can apologize for the things that I may hurt some people.

       I am a true believer of life falls in and out according to itself, or to say in other words, things happen for a reason. True some don't share the same beliefs that I do. There are some that may tell me that things are God's plan or Buddha's, maybe even Shiva, whomever you want to call it. Me I call it fate. But fate only can bring you so far, once you get there its up to you to make things happen.  As far as the traveling that I keep talking about. I really want to take a trip. Either it be with the boy, friends, or myself, I want to take a trip. I really think that it is going to be NYC. Each time I have gone there in the past few years I haven't really gotten to see it. Plus, I love the Holidays and I always hear that The Big Apple is really beautiful during the holidays. Plus I might actually get to see snow. We shall see. I will keep my fingers crossed.  

                                                                                  

Why is Sorry the hardest thing to say........for most people

Why is it that I always opt for the easy route by choose to stay on the rougher path? I am so tired of trying to figure out certain aspects of my life, yet I continue and continue till I am too mentally exhausted to think of anything else. I keep checking my past journals and I definitely have made changes, progress, differences that I have seen. My mother just keeps telling me how strong I am when half the time I don't really see it. I do think that I have been through a lot in the past few years. Why is it so hard to notice things happening when they are happening right at the moment. I hate the ups and downs of dramatic intervals and stellar complications. There has got to be something better than this. There has to be a reason why I go through such crazy episodes. There has to be a reason that I have CRAP magnet on my forehead. I know I am feeling sorry for myself right now, it will pass. It just seems that I am missing all the signs, I feel as if I am running into things I can't control. I know that I want things and those things are pretty simple. Normal by my standards. A career/business, family, friends, etc.  I have been called so many things in my life, negative and positive, I wonder what's being said now. I wonder what people say about me without knowing whats really happening. What would they say if they knew the whole thing, the whole story? I wonder. I really think that if they knew what was going on the judgement would be placed differently. I refuse to pay into it anymore. I just don't care anymore. I have so many good things in my life to think about. I need to stay strong, I need to forgive. I am not waiting anymore for the apologies that will never come, the miraculous saving to happen, the game that I should win. I am starting to believe that I expect to much from myself and others. Which in a sense can be bitchy, sometimes I can be. I tell myself that it all is just a misunderstanding, they are just having a bad day, there's got to be a reason for why people do this or say that. I think that there is good in all. I want to believe that everyone has a conscience. Some people don't. 

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Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Life can be funny sometimes. It throws curve balls, bumps, detours, construction and good things all at different times. Sometimes it seems as if all the negative things happen at once. I tend to dream about places over the rainbow, lands and adventures far away. I think most creative people do. I often think that all the times that I get put down by things it is so hard to bring myself back up, but I do. Some how I always do. I have help most times, friends, family and love. I believe that one day I will find my place in life. Maybe I have found it and I am trying to fight some of it. Maybe I am a bit lost at times. I form attachments just like everyone else, I make mistakes Just like everyone else.

Some sad news, my squirrel had something wrong with him and passed during the night. I am very upset about this. I needed that little guy. he was making me very happy. The boy wants to get me a kitten and as much as I want one, I feel bad and as if I don't deserve one. I know that once everything is sorted it will be a good thing for me to have one. Plus he is trying really hard to make me feel better.Things have been pretty rough these past few months for me. I have been more open to him about my feelings, even though sometimes they are said in shouting matches, or anger. I think he finally knows how I feel. 

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Dear Chuck Taylors

Image via WikipediaMy Chucks take me walking, walking around the world. I love my Chuck Taylors. They are my favorite shoes. They are old and dirty, go with everything, (well almost anything) and they never disappoint me. My chucks take me out dancing, riding, driving, traveling, walking and they never tell me I look bad. Last night I went to MJQ's, one of the dirtiest, dingy clubs one could go to. Dancing and forgetting the world. When I dance I just let go, its one of the only times that I don't worry about anything. It is the time that I can be myself and not worry about what people think or expect of me. Plus, the best thing about this club is that most of the people that attend are misfits and outcasts. It's a place I can wear my little Plaid skirt, chucks or docs and don't think about my look. Just dance. I even gave myself a funky make shift Mohawk, I felt so at ease. I even battled this guy. My 10 minutes of Mjq fame. People circled around us, my heart was beating, ears blasting the sound, my head clear and just feeling the music and I just did it. I was nervous for only a moment, people watching can be a scary thing. But I did it. I finally realized that they were there watching me, Me. It is amazing how I can talk so well about dancing and how I feel when I dance, but ask me to describe my heart or what my dreams are I get so guarded.  Sometimes I feel as if I will never be understood. Yes, I have great friends and a boyfriend that loves me. I am not saying that they don't care are accept me, I just don't tell people what is inside my head. Okay so the Becca's a bit crazy inside her head? Yes, I'll admit I tend to daydream a lot and inside my head there are secret wishes and dreams that I will never tell anyone about. I will tell my journal. ::smiles:: Sometimes I feel as if there is so much that I tell my journal and not others. Call it insecurity but I have always had one and its the one thing that I tell everything to. It's where I can express how I feel then go back to and actually try to understand myself. That's why I started this thing. I wanted it to be about me trying and learning to do new things each month, but I finally understood that life is the lesson. Learning how to live is what I need to be writing about. My mistakes, my journeys, and adventures. All of it. My dreams and wishes to be kept in the journal and one day I'll be brave enough to write my novel. One day I will write my poetry again. But today, Today I am happy just living. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I can do this. I can do this.
Image via Wikipedia

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Image via WikipediaSo today I went and saw, Eat, pray, Love. IT was amazing! I loved the whole thing and thought that it was really relevant to my life at the moment. I know most people don't get inspired by movies, or maybe they do. it just made me realize that I can't hold back anymore. I have to do the things that I always day dream about. Why should I be scared of doing the things I want? Sometimes I think that I am too old, too young, to scared, to silly for any of the things I want. This movie made me think about all the things I want to do in life, that I shouldn't wait to do. I want to travel, taste different foods, meet different people, study, learn, live, love and experience all that I want to experience. Why do I hold back? Sometimes I feel that when I hold back and wait I keep losing myself. Isn't the point of loving someone is because they love the you that you hide? So I have made a vow.....I promise myself I won't hold back. I won't be afraid to read, write, travel, try, learn, do, give, speak, and love.  I thought that by me turning 26 I would have to have it all figured out, I would have to have my life sorted and married, career, home and everything that comes along with that. I was trying to grow up to fast. I just need to relax, forgive myself, let myself be whom I really want to be. I can still have the love life I want and be independent, I can still give my heart to him and not give up my life and wants. I will not hold back, I will love my self, I will be positive.
Image via Wikipedia

So I started working out again. I feel great, I can jog longer, dancer more, and look at myself a little better in the mirror. It is giving me such a good feeling to be more excited about getting healthier. It also is making me feel stronger, I feel so empowered. I feel great, although things are taking a little longer than I thought but I still am very positive. 

Okay, on to the love life update. The boy and I are working things out and things are starting to look very good. There is a difference in him but the same. It is the man that I feel in love with before. It was like he was hiding. We talk like we used to, laugh lie we used to and dream like we used to.  I'm not saying I'm not scared. I am, but I have a new sense of direction. I know now that I have to take things slow. I have been given a second chance and try so that I can get to know him. work things out with him and get our lives back in order. I do love him very much. Now it's time to love me as well. To forgive myself. To let live and let love. I have to understand that things are going to happen and I can't do anything about it. As well as my actions. 

I need to stop apologizing for my actions and the way I do things. I need to come to the understanding that this is me,  this is the Rebecca I was destined to be. The Rebecca that needs to express herself. And I will. Oh yes I will!!! I have to promise myself that I will, i can, and I will do what I want. 

Good night all! Love and hugs

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