Babblings of a happy girl

Yes, it has been a ridiculously long time since I have been on here. My life has been a constant up and down lately, but as always I keep a positive outlook even on the days I want to just sit alone and cry. It has now been 11 months that I am single. where most would say this is a sad thing I am actually pretty happy about it at the moment.I know that when the time is right I will find the man that is right for me. I am not looking nor am I sitting around and waiting. I am living and intending on living my way for a long time. I am working on my art, life, happiness, making money, dancing and everything else that makes me smile. I don't have to answer to anyone and I dont have to worry about calling, texting, making sure I tell someone where I am or going or wondering the same for them. It isnt that I want to become asexual or anything. I am just lvoing my apartment and the fact that it is mine.......I am loving my life and the fact that it is my own.......and the awesome fact that If I want to be a goof ball I can. I can be myself.
I am working on my bucket list more and more. I am trying to get some Katana lessons and also working on setting up classes with my partner to teach our dance to. I am also very excited because this year will be the first year I will be attending Dragoncon!!! I cant wait. I already got one of my costumes in the mail and can't wait to put it on!!!
 Thousands upon thousands of people that are dorks ust like me!!! I cant believe how awesome this will be. Any who.... I am also dancing again which is making me happier, tomorrow finally going to one of my favorite dive places...MJQ's. Ok now I feel I am really rambling when all I wanted to do was update my working journal of sorts. ah well.
I hope everyone has a beautiful night and a wonderful morning! Peace, Love and Happiness!

 

The Why Not Realization

So we all go through a period in our lives where we hit a happy medium. Happy with the way things are going, single but not alone, secure, peaceful. It's hard to explain the feeling that I have. I guess it can come to the love my self and why not stage.
The why not stage. This is the stage that one discovers their selves in ways they never thought imaginable, no...dont directly lead your minds to the guter. Im talking about really searching the soul. you start small with things such as, I really want to watch Eat, Pray, Love for the 9th time, why not? no one is here to say anything to me, no one is going to fly through the window and scream....hey becca stop watching that movie. no. if  I want to watch this movie I am going to watch this. It also works with snack food, so I am a little addicted to chow mein noodles and have a bag of them, I really wanted some while I watch this movie. so I thought why not? I jog and/or walk 6-10 miles a day, that's pretty damn good, I think I will have those little noodles.
today a friend of mine told me his girlfriend was 34, first I wanted to give him a high five, I love hearing lovey dovey tales. then I was thinking about the fact I am 27, what does it mean that my friends are dating older women? is it the same as older men dating younger women? will I be single till im 34? All these questions yet as I walked out of the salon I realized that all the questions that I wonder about on a daily basis will be answered eventually. I just got to live life, for me. I might be a bit redundant but I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth the wait, I am worth the work, I am worth the life that I have been given.

I am happy again

It takes a lot of courage to step out your door and even more courage to take that first step. Right now I feel as if I am taking giant leaps into the world! I have been in such a good mood and even though I know that things can't always be in the sunny side up of life I am not worrying about the bad days or sad days that I will encounter. IT is weird for me to think that I have been single, happy, busy, and moving forward towards things that I want in and out of life. It may take a while or I may hit snags but Im here. I actually look in the mirror and like what I see...no love what I see. I can run two miles now and walk 10. I have a wonderful apartment and a even more wonderful cat. A wonderful family and fantastic friends. This is the stuff that you see in a movie when things are looking up.  also was thinking about the fact that I have been single now for a full eight months and I actually am happy about this. I know that I will one day find the man of my dreams but I am having a good time living in my own place, doing the things I want and not have to worry about the stress a relatioship can put on me. no I am not giving up on love, love is all around me. My friends have a great mariage and have now asked me to be the godmother of their future child...I cant begin to tell how happy this makes me. My "sister" and her husband are amazing together, my parents, and several other people that make me believe that I will one day have someone to share my heart with. Until then I am going to keep on with me.

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The cards are on the table

Image via WikipediaI had an amazing weekend and finally got things out in the open. What you might ask could be so exhilarating that I have to write about? Well lets start at the beginning and summarize to the end. Every year around Valentines day we have the Annual Anti-V-Day Slumber party. This years was amazing. We decided that we would host a non Co-ed one this year and decked out Askia's place with hearts, candy, booze, toys, and other odds and ends. We dress up, dress down, dance, sing, play games, just have good old fashion girl fun. I have now realized that the bonds that I have made with my friends are so meaningful and I know that now I have people that will get my back no matter what. It is an amazing feeling to know that there are people out there that love me. After the slumber party we all hung out Saturday. Took a afternoon drive, laughing and being silly girls. coming back to the apartment, cooking a major brunch and eating glutinous amounts of food. I came home to my little guy waiting excitedly for me by the door as I opened it. spent some time cuddling with him, took a shower and sat down to watch a movie. I finally decided that I really wanted to go out. Called Askia to see what they were up to. We made plans to go out dancing. Yes! To one of the silliest places to go but still a good time. It is amazing to me how much I love to dance, the feeling I get when I just do it for me, for fun. I go out there and not think of anything just about the awesome high I get from moving my body around and bouncing around a dance floor. I don't even notice anyone else. I think I think I may have found something else that makes me feel like that too. I can't explain why and I don't know how to say this without jinxing myself. It makes me nervous even talking about it, but its hard to keep it inside of me. I feel like I am going to burst from the excitement of it all. Yes, for those that are following this so far it brings us into Sunday. I went up to Askia's to do some special effects makeup for a friend, then after six hours the project turned out amazing, I took some pictures and headed back home. I really wanted to get out of the house and got invited out to a bar. (yes, I am being vague for a reason) This ended up being something out of the blue but such a good thing for me. I ended up saying what I have been wanting to say to someone for the longest time. Only to find out that it was reciprocated. I feel great, I feel high, and scared at the same time. I talked to the bestie about it to which she was so happy for me, and told me to let it marinate, chill and flow. The cards are on the table and now I have to be patient. Um, thats the worst thing to say to me. hehe She knows how hard it is for me to be patient. I want to run up throw my arms around this person and say, here I am! With a butterfly stomach smile.

This one's for you!

My Birthday Shirt
Rotations = 27

It is amazing to me how you can be at the bottom of the well for so long and all that was needed to get out was to yell for help. I am turning 27 this coming Wednesday, and growing up I always thought that I would have to have it all together by now or at least by 30. Wrong! I spent to many years not doing what I want and living up to others expectations. Either it be from past boyfriends, poorly influenced by them, or by the people that I was around who didn't support me or push me. I am now finally admitting to myself that I love who I am, crazy and sometimes unpredictable but still very lovable. When I moved to Atlanta five years ago I never thought I would love it as much as I do now. I had no real friends, I moved completely to get away from my past. Running away I guess. I seem to have run away a lot. I did miss the friends I had in Florida and hated that I ran from them, but I had to move on and I wasn't mature enough to tell them what they meant to me or that I needed help and support.

So I went to school, graduated, moved to the city and in between had a few boyfriends and met some great people. Then three years ago I was introduced to a woman that changed my life. My best friend and life coach of sorts. She saw my potential and pushed me in all the ways a friend can push you. She introduced me to more great people and things took off from there. I have also have rekindled a friendship with a person I knew for years and added her and her husband to my amazing group, "Urban family", and now I have the most wonderful support and love I could have ask for in a group of friends. They all love me and care for me and I am so blessed to have them in my life.

Yes, this blog is sentimental and sappy. Maybe its because I am motivated to write or the fact that my birthday is Wednesday, but I just wanted to show how happy I am. This past weekend has been wonderful! Concert, Sushi, family, friends. I know I keep reiterating how happy I am but I just can't get over it.

So I conclude this blog with a thank you to my friends and family. You are the reason for living. You are my motivation to keep going when I think there is no end. You all make me feel so blessed and I promise you this! I will write, sing, paint, dance, love, smile, laugh and everything else that you guys encourage me to do. I have my goals that I want to accomplish by the end of this year and I promise you I will complete them. I know you all will help me and back me up! I love you all very much!

Happy Wholadays

Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love the weather, decorations, clothes, gatherings, etc. Its just so beautiful. It's also that time of year that I get the loneliness. yeah yeah I know sappy. Not so much to be in a relationship,  knowing that I really don't want to be serious right now. Just someone to spend time with, to share things with, cuddle and to do things with. Seems somewhat shellfish but its the truth. i know I keep saying redundant things these past few entries, maybe its to reassure me that I do this blog for myself and no one else. Well maybe for the poor souls who have similar happenings in their life.
I know I should consider myself lucky, I have a great apartment, spectacular view, started writing my book (I know finally), trying to get or company going, and getting my life back on track. I tend to get a bit depressed thinking about the relationships that I have wasted my young twenties on. Yes, I do look at them as learning experiences but I still wish that I was strong enough to have stood up for myself more. Now here I am 26, single, finding out about myself for the first time. Well, My friend has been helping me work on that for about two years now, haha! But none the less, I guess I will be the one saying that it is never to late to do something, or to find something out or to follow your dreams. It may be hard but isn't it supposed to be?
I sit here typing about my life hoping that some where out there, there is someone that will get me, understand me, love me, and want to spend time with me because of me. Some day soon.

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Its been a long time baby

Image via WikipediaImage via WikipediaI know I haven't written in this blog for a while. Updating the "breakup" blog has kept my attention and it seems that I was just leading myself on and on and on. I realized that getting over someone isn't just a process of recording daily habits and schedules. I am living my life and I am forgiving myself for the way I feel. I will always love him. He was a big part of my life. I can never forget him. I have learned from this and grew from this. Things will get better, they are looking up. I know there will always be ups and downs but I know now that I have people that love me, people that I can talk to, and people that can protect me. In ways that may not be what others would think. I have made new friends, rekindled old, and realized that I am my own person and people love me for me. I will dance to my own drum beat, I will laugh at myself sometimes, and yes, sometimes I will trip and fall.. The important part is I have to get back up and know when to ask help when I need it. So I vow to keep blogging, even if no one reads it. I want to write, I want to keep this going. I hope that the night is filled with stars for you to gaze upon and wish for as many wishes your heart dares to dream.

The First Fall Entry

      Here we go again. I want some more, what are you waiting for. I feel incredible lately, the weather makes me so much happier. It seems like clockwork every year I make the biggest changes of my life around these few months at the end of the year. I feel it! I am getting an apartment, right in the middle of the busy part of the city, my friend and mine's company has a pre-opening in November at a major fundraiser, and I am slowly realizing that to love someone is to forgive, grow, and accept things. Even loving yourself means doing these things. I have to learn to forgive myself, love myself, and learn that all these things that happen in my life are all part of growing up. I am learning that I am who I am. Some people get me, some don't and some won't ever get me. I can't apologize for the things I do that are me and I can apologize for the things that I may hurt some people.

       I am a true believer of life falls in and out according to itself, or to say in other words, things happen for a reason. True some don't share the same beliefs that I do. There are some that may tell me that things are God's plan or Buddha's, maybe even Shiva, whomever you want to call it. Me I call it fate. But fate only can bring you so far, once you get there its up to you to make things happen.  As far as the traveling that I keep talking about. I really want to take a trip. Either it be with the boy, friends, or myself, I want to take a trip. I really think that it is going to be NYC. Each time I have gone there in the past few years I haven't really gotten to see it. Plus, I love the Holidays and I always hear that The Big Apple is really beautiful during the holidays. Plus I might actually get to see snow. We shall see. I will keep my fingers crossed.  

                                                                                  

Image via WikipediaSo today I went and saw, Eat, pray, Love. IT was amazing! I loved the whole thing and thought that it was really relevant to my life at the moment. I know most people don't get inspired by movies, or maybe they do. it just made me realize that I can't hold back anymore. I have to do the things that I always day dream about. Why should I be scared of doing the things I want? Sometimes I think that I am too old, too young, to scared, to silly for any of the things I want. This movie made me think about all the things I want to do in life, that I shouldn't wait to do. I want to travel, taste different foods, meet different people, study, learn, live, love and experience all that I want to experience. Why do I hold back? Sometimes I feel that when I hold back and wait I keep losing myself. Isn't the point of loving someone is because they love the you that you hide? So I have made a vow.....I promise myself I won't hold back. I won't be afraid to read, write, travel, try, learn, do, give, speak, and love.  I thought that by me turning 26 I would have to have it all figured out, I would have to have my life sorted and married, career, home and everything that comes along with that. I was trying to grow up to fast. I just need to relax, forgive myself, let myself be whom I really want to be. I can still have the love life I want and be independent, I can still give my heart to him and not give up my life and wants. I will not hold back, I will love my self, I will be positive.
Image via Wikipedia

So I started working out again. I feel great, I can jog longer, dancer more, and look at myself a little better in the mirror. It is giving me such a good feeling to be more excited about getting healthier. It also is making me feel stronger, I feel so empowered. I feel great, although things are taking a little longer than I thought but I still am very positive. 

Okay, on to the love life update. The boy and I are working things out and things are starting to look very good. There is a difference in him but the same. It is the man that I feel in love with before. It was like he was hiding. We talk like we used to, laugh lie we used to and dream like we used to.  I'm not saying I'm not scared. I am, but I have a new sense of direction. I know now that I have to take things slow. I have been given a second chance and try so that I can get to know him. work things out with him and get our lives back in order. I do love him very much. Now it's time to love me as well. To forgive myself. To let live and let love. I have to understand that things are going to happen and I can't do anything about it. As well as my actions. 

I need to stop apologizing for my actions and the way I do things. I need to come to the understanding that this is me,  this is the Rebecca I was destined to be. The Rebecca that needs to express herself. And I will. Oh yes I will!!! I have to promise myself that I will, i can, and I will do what I want. 

Good night all! Love and hugs

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Confessions of the Broken heart, who fell for the beautiful mind

Image via WikipediaSo I have decided to take a break. Take a break from reality maybe. I have postponed the wedding and have decided that I wasn't ready. I needed to have some time to sit back and work things out in my life. There are also things that he needed to work on and that is why we are taking this time to work things out. I have been through some tough things in my life but nothing compares to this. How do you try and help someone you love. Someone that you care about so so much and don't want any harm coming to that person. Yet, they don't know they need help or to work things out in their lives. The man that has loved me the most and still loves me the most needs to learn to accept and love himself. It feels as if my heart is being torn in two. It feels like my soul has been separated. Can a man go crazy from loving someone so much? I feel that he started to have a breakdown the closer and closer we were getting to the wedding. Now he is up north getting the information to which he needs. I am down here the furthest away from my heart, trying to carry on. I am moving to a new place, starting a company, trying to stay busy and exercise. Yet, ever night before I close my eyes, all I see is him. All I dream about is him. Everyone tries to tell me their ways to get over someone, or how to forget and move on. i don't want to forget him. I love him. More than any one I have ever been with. Not for all the stories, and the things that he said to impress me. It was the man that he was when we were together. No one else just us. The man that would watch movies with me or walk on the beach and just be. When we were away from everything. But life isn't a fairy tail, everything happens for a reason, but you have to fight sometimes to figure out what those reasons are. No one can tell you to stop loving someone or how to live your life. You friends and family can only guide you the best they know how. We all can give each other advice and take what we can from it. It has been a while since I have written, but I just couldn't get myself to open up my blogger and talk about this yet. Starting today I will just keep at it. Remember we are all in this together, I must keep reminding myself.

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Sacrifices and marrige

Image by NapaneeGal via Flickr

Image by Andrea Costa Photography via Flickr

So things keep getting more and more trying. I currently am in the middle of a dilemma, in order to save my relationship and marriage we are thinking about moving to Florida.  We know that we can build a life there together, we know that it will be a new life for us, and we both know that this is what it will take to save our hearts and relationship. The bad part you may ask............? I am having to sacrifice my dreams and goals. Or more likely, putting them on hold. As well as saying goodbye to my friends and life that I have worked very hard to achieve. I fear that if I do this my marriage will be saved but what about my self. I have been thinking about things that could work where I can do both jobs and make both work. I fear being put into a cage, no adventure, no life, or  worse dullness. 

But then I look at him, I realize how much I love him, all that he is. He really is an amazing man, he just hides under this scared little boy. I wonder if all men go through this. If all women go through what I am experiencing. He doesn't realize how much I love him for him. That he is a wonderful man and person. 

I am at a major passing in my life right now I have to choose which way to go. There is no scarecrow to help me along the way, no Tin man to hold my hand, and no Lion to protect. ::laughs:: Although I do feel as if the Wizard of Oz is somewhat of fate making me find and get the witch's broom. Maybe this is something that will give me time to focus on my book, blogs, self, and other things. I will try to stay positive and I will blog about the trials as usual.

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