I sometimes think that I am dreaming

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I know I believe that everything happens for a reason but sometimes I wish that I could freeze moments. I am doing really well with most of the things in my life right now. I am officially an editor, I still get to do my art work, I still get to do freelance. I am so happy about this. I also have been given a gift...one that I can't metion till Monday but I can say that it has made me very very happy. I also have been dancing more and more, going out and even dancing by myself. I love it. I am dating and happy to be single with minor thoughts here and there. I was in mjqs Wednesday and all I could think of for some reason was him, my birthday and the thought of kissing him. I don't know why, I know that it has passed and I am obviously not what he wants but I still can't get him out my mind. It's not all the time just at random moments and always at the wrong tim

I can't deny that things are good, I am dancing again, not just in the clubs but everywhere. I am smiling for no reason but because I am happy. I have come a long way some might not see it or might not know. It is hard to see through the metal walls that I have up. It is very true that a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. I know the man that actually wants to know them will be the one worth my time. I also have way more confidence than I ever thought I could have. I mean if you were to see me in high school compared to now it would be a big difference. I was shy, quiet and only my friends knew the "me" that was screaming to get out. I don't regret very much that I have done, said or had done to me. I have learned a lot from my mistakes, heart ache, shame, sadnes, happiness, etc.

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The cards are on the table

Image via WikipediaI had an amazing weekend and finally got things out in the open. What you might ask could be so exhilarating that I have to write about? Well lets start at the beginning and summarize to the end. Every year around Valentines day we have the Annual Anti-V-Day Slumber party. This years was amazing. We decided that we would host a non Co-ed one this year and decked out Askia's place with hearts, candy, booze, toys, and other odds and ends. We dress up, dress down, dance, sing, play games, just have good old fashion girl fun. I have now realized that the bonds that I have made with my friends are so meaningful and I know that now I have people that will get my back no matter what. It is an amazing feeling to know that there are people out there that love me. After the slumber party we all hung out Saturday. Took a afternoon drive, laughing and being silly girls. coming back to the apartment, cooking a major brunch and eating glutinous amounts of food. I came home to my little guy waiting excitedly for me by the door as I opened it. spent some time cuddling with him, took a shower and sat down to watch a movie. I finally decided that I really wanted to go out. Called Askia to see what they were up to. We made plans to go out dancing. Yes! To one of the silliest places to go but still a good time. It is amazing to me how much I love to dance, the feeling I get when I just do it for me, for fun. I go out there and not think of anything just about the awesome high I get from moving my body around and bouncing around a dance floor. I don't even notice anyone else. I think I think I may have found something else that makes me feel like that too. I can't explain why and I don't know how to say this without jinxing myself. It makes me nervous even talking about it, but its hard to keep it inside of me. I feel like I am going to burst from the excitement of it all. Yes, for those that are following this so far it brings us into Sunday. I went up to Askia's to do some special effects makeup for a friend, then after six hours the project turned out amazing, I took some pictures and headed back home. I really wanted to get out of the house and got invited out to a bar. (yes, I am being vague for a reason) This ended up being something out of the blue but such a good thing for me. I ended up saying what I have been wanting to say to someone for the longest time. Only to find out that it was reciprocated. I feel great, I feel high, and scared at the same time. I talked to the bestie about it to which she was so happy for me, and told me to let it marinate, chill and flow. The cards are on the table and now I have to be patient. Um, thats the worst thing to say to me. hehe She knows how hard it is for me to be patient. I want to run up throw my arms around this person and say, here I am! With a butterfly stomach smile.

Dear Chuck Taylors

Image via WikipediaMy Chucks take me walking, walking around the world. I love my Chuck Taylors. They are my favorite shoes. They are old and dirty, go with everything, (well almost anything) and they never disappoint me. My chucks take me out dancing, riding, driving, traveling, walking and they never tell me I look bad. Last night I went to MJQ's, one of the dirtiest, dingy clubs one could go to. Dancing and forgetting the world. When I dance I just let go, its one of the only times that I don't worry about anything. It is the time that I can be myself and not worry about what people think or expect of me. Plus, the best thing about this club is that most of the people that attend are misfits and outcasts. It's a place I can wear my little Plaid skirt, chucks or docs and don't think about my look. Just dance. I even gave myself a funky make shift Mohawk, I felt so at ease. I even battled this guy. My 10 minutes of Mjq fame. People circled around us, my heart was beating, ears blasting the sound, my head clear and just feeling the music and I just did it. I was nervous for only a moment, people watching can be a scary thing. But I did it. I finally realized that they were there watching me, Me. It is amazing how I can talk so well about dancing and how I feel when I dance, but ask me to describe my heart or what my dreams are I get so guarded.  Sometimes I feel as if I will never be understood. Yes, I have great friends and a boyfriend that loves me. I am not saying that they don't care are accept me, I just don't tell people what is inside my head. Okay so the Becca's a bit crazy inside her head? Yes, I'll admit I tend to daydream a lot and inside my head there are secret wishes and dreams that I will never tell anyone about. I will tell my journal. ::smiles:: Sometimes I feel as if there is so much that I tell my journal and not others. Call it insecurity but I have always had one and its the one thing that I tell everything to. It's where I can express how I feel then go back to and actually try to understand myself. That's why I started this thing. I wanted it to be about me trying and learning to do new things each month, but I finally understood that life is the lesson. Learning how to live is what I need to be writing about. My mistakes, my journeys, and adventures. All of it. My dreams and wishes to be kept in the journal and one day I'll be brave enough to write my novel. One day I will write my poetry again. But today, Today I am happy just living. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I can do this. I can do this.
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