Sunday, March 27, 2011

Someone like me

Why do we do this to ourselves? We fall for the badguys, tough guys, or the wrong guys. Then when they break up with us and/or break our hearts we are left to wonder why. What did i do wrong, and the same ole saying, guys don't leave women they leave just me. you are left with nothing, an empty house, sometimes with boxes because you have to move, and just alone. I just dont understand how I keep ending up in theese situations. yes, I tend to fall fast, I tend to give my heart to a man without question or without asking for anything back. How many times do I have to get hurt before I learn to do something about it. I mean if you were to ask me a year ago where I thought I would be I wouldn't have told you here. WEll I was supposed to be married by now.
IT amazes me how you can so so very happy with someone and feel as if nothing in the world could bring you down and then the chair is pulled from you. I wasn't only finding out that the man I was in love with was galavanting around with half of Atlantas
Broken heart sewn back togetherImage via Wikipedia
 slew but I was finding out that everything was a lie. Everything! it has been months since we separated and as time goes bye I am getting better. I have a wonderful apartment, great friends, a loving cat, my art, and now I am an Editor. I shouldn't complain and I am not on the life side of myself.  the only thing left to heal and fix is my heart. maybe it is a good thing that I am still single. I am not sure that I am ready to love someone else. I did get close to liking someone, I really wanted it to work but I think that we both are in the same position when it comes to matters of the heart and it wasn't time to take on another. I am not going to sit here and lie and tell you I wish it were different. Everytime I see him, a picture, or hear him on the phone I get excited, whats worse I really enjoyed being in his arms. Unfortunetly my ever so amazing super push powers I created the gap between us and I think I scared him away. but I still try to see him and still try to hang out when I really just need to forget him, he is in the category as stated above.
So tonight, another sunday night, i sit at my laptop, work notes beside it, enjoying the fact that I know start monday's like everyone else and I get that old familiar feeling of loneliness. typing away on things, my bed loaded with books, and all I want to do is work on my book, listen to music and wear this ring for a bit. yes I still have this ring, it may be fake and it may have been a lie, but that doesn't mean it hurt anyless. It still doesn't mean that I didn't love him. It just means he didn't love me. 
So here I am trying to make sense of it all. knowing that I am getting stronger everyday, knowing that I will one day love again. I know that I will still have minor moments of sadness, but I need to accept that and learn from it. Getting over someone isn't just about moving on from them, it is mostly about moving on with yourself. learning to love yourself again, every part of yourself. so maybe I have a broken heart, but I dont have a broken soul, my heart will heal, it has to heal, I want it to heal. I refuse to run away this time, i want to make this place work for me, I have options here. we all want to make things work. 
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