Monday, September 20, 2010

Why is Sorry the hardest thing to say........for most people

Why is it that I always opt for the easy route by choose to stay on the rougher path? I am so tired of trying to figure out certain aspects of my life, yet I continue and continue till I am too mentally exhausted to think of anything else. I keep checking my past journals and I definitely have made changes, progress, differences that I have seen. My mother just keeps telling me how strong I am when half the time I don't really see it. I do think that I have been through a lot in the past few years. Why is it so hard to notice things happening when they are happening right at the moment. I hate the ups and downs of dramatic intervals and stellar complications. There has got to be something better than this. There has to be a reason why I go through such crazy episodes. There has to be a reason that I have CRAP magnet on my forehead. I know I am feeling sorry for myself right now, it will pass. It just seems that I am missing all the signs, I feel as if I am running into things I can't control. I know that I want things and those things are pretty simple. Normal by my standards. A career/business, family, friends, etc.  I have been called so many things in my life, negative and positive, I wonder what's being said now. I wonder what people say about me without knowing whats really happening. What would they say if they knew the whole thing, the whole story? I wonder. I really think that if they knew what was going on the judgement would be placed differently. I refuse to pay into it anymore. I just don't care anymore. I have so many good things in my life to think about. I need to stay strong, I need to forgive. I am not waiting anymore for the apologies that will never come, the miraculous saving to happen, the game that I should win. I am starting to believe that I expect to much from myself and others. Which in a sense can be bitchy, sometimes I can be. I tell myself that it all is just a misunderstanding, they are just having a bad day, there's got to be a reason for why people do this or say that. I think that there is good in all. I want to believe that everyone has a conscience. Some people don't. 
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