Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I think I am backwards`

Angry Talk (Comic Style)Image via WikipediaI really do. I think I have done most things in my life backwards.  Growing up I was always careful, more mature than my peers, thinking about things that I wanted at an early age. Then when I moved down to Florida at 18 I was thrusted into  world of older people and had to grow up fast. Realizing that I was way out of place. As time went on I did things out of place, I didn't party like most girls did, I went into serious relationships, thinking that I was going to get married and have a family. Then after several failed relationships, a move, heart aches, I started to notice things that I was missing. I never had a party stage or a wild phase. I just kind of went where the road took me.Now I am 27 and I feel like partying, doing what I want, not answering to anyone. It's funny because that is actually easy. Yes, I love to go out party, get drunk, hang out with friends and have wild evenings out on the town with crazy stories and pictures. The hard part is actually showing someone how I really feel, what's really going on inside. I am so tired of this feeling. I'm so tired of feeling lonely, and no its not just the "single" bug, I have felt this for a while. The feeling that no guy will ever understand me, I always get so close, get so happy and then the chair is lifted right out from under me.
Yes, I am angry! I am angry at the fact that people judge me because of what I have or where I come from. I am angry that men cheat on me, I am angry that I am never the one and always the friend. I am angry that I always let myself get in these situations, I am angry that someone could do this to another person. I am angry that my one dream, the one thing that I have always wanted was a joke. I am angry that I can write my feelings down in a blog and I can't express them to people for fear of looking weak.
No I don't lie when I say I  am happy, I am happy, I have a lot going for me and I plan to see them through.  Its just sometimes it would be nice to have someone hold me and say everything is going to be okay, I am here. There I said it .
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